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One bloke at a rest stop once uttered something extremely offensive to me. But he quickly added with one of the most genuine apologies I’ve ever experienced. It happened at a roadside stop years ago. I was refueling by the fuel dispenser. Noticing me, he rapped on the passenger window, and after I lowered the glass he stuck his head in and said something vile. It may have passed for teasing, I suppose, but it was nonetheless rude. My little ones were in the rear seats, staring in surprise. Distressed rather than angry, I got out, topped up and entered the shop, only to find him standing near the car when I returned. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I’m sorry pal. I had no idea you had your kids in the car. I apologise for that.” It was something about the last four words which made the difference, in some way providing just the right level of emphasis.

New Findings on Expressing Regret

I wasn’t particularly pleased to have the event brought up this week when I read about a academic article, published on behalf of the British Psychological Society, on how the size of the words you use when you express remorse are important in expressing your sincerity. Apologies always interest me because, from my perspective, without contrition on one side and acceptance on the other, relationships break down.

Back in school I had a instructor who talked about the concept of rotting. He said if leaves didn’t decompose, we’d be knee-deep in them. I believe similarly about making amends – if they’re not given and acknowledged, we might become up to our armpits in unresolved issues. Thus, I’m one of those people whose resentment and displeasure about something somebody has said or done will usually disappear the moment an apology is offered. It’s unclear whether this defines me as a forgiving individual, or somewhat shallow. Conversely, if I’m the one saying sorry, and the apology is refused, I get very frustrated and let down without a doubt, which is hypocritical either.

Bigger Vocabulary and Genuineness

The paper, which focused on text-based rather than oral sorries, determines that people who use longer words in their apologies are tend to convey truthfulness. Therefore, saying you’re “deeply” sorry is preferable than “quite” sorry. It seems the “more energy required” involved in saying those two extra syllables can create a small impact. By this measure, the French are miles in front of us. They really do try hard with their apologies. When the French for a basic “I regret” is something as dramatic and quite elegant as “I am sorry”, it makes one ponder where they go from there. What phrase is used if you feel more than merely sorry about the thing you’re expressing regret over? An acquaintance in Paris told me he’d go for “Please receive my heartfelt regrets”, which translates to, “I beg you to take my deepest "sorry"s”. Now that’s what I call a verbal endeavor. OK, whatever, chill out, I forgive you, no problem.

Less is More

Be it in person or through text, for me simple is better. A simple “sorry” will suffice. “I regret”, if you prefer. And alright, if you’ve really done me over you can include a genuinely, a sincerely, or even an profoundly. But any more than that and I may wonder you have hurt me more seriously than I was aware.

I should say that, similar to most research studies, a great deal of the wording in which the study is written is somewhat beyond me. As an instance, something called a term meaning resemblance appears frequently. I own a book with a large number of words defined in my reference book, and the word iconicity doesn’t appear. But I pressed on nonetheless and believe I’ve grasped the essence of it over well. Should I be mistaken, it's possible Shiri Lev-Ari, researcher in psychology at an academic institution, a renowned school, could get in touch so I can express regret to her at any degree of detail she prefers.